Plans can be important when you have a disability or chronic illness. If they don’t work out does it make you feel anxious? Believe me, it’s not just you.
As a full time wheelchair user, my life has limitations. In September last year I decided to start a blog. It gave me something to focus on. I love writing and up to then had just kept a journal where I wrote about anything and everything, especially after my MS diagnosis.
I realised over time that plans were an essential part of living with a disability if life was to run smoothly. Any outing has to be an almost military exercise. I have to see the weather forecast the day before so I can plan what to wear, as I suffer badly from the cold.
Time has to be allowed to get me into our adapted vehicle and to get out at the other end, especially if my 5 year old grandson is helping! Going out for a simple lunch is a nightmare if anything goes wrong!
Today, I planned to write…….
I want to write. But suddenly I’m scared. It’s making me anxious and afraid to start. This is because I’ve become obsessed with reading about marketing strategies etc. I have read so much I am confused about what I should be doing, if anything, to grow my blog, when really nothing is going to grow it if I don’t write it!
So this is me trying to overcome the fear I’ve suddenly developed. Still in the back of my mind whilst I’m writing are the thoughts about all the blogging advice I’ve been reading, and how contradictory it all is.
I’ve been sucked in to paying for stuff (not a lot) that doesn’t tell me anything, signing into free courses on every optimising topic imaginable (or not). This has been going on since Christmas. I persuaded myself that 2020 will be the year that I do everything I can to grow my blog.
Not that I haven’t written anything in that time, I have. I just feel that there was a certain amount of trying to incorporate things from the stuff I’ve read.
I can’t really write in a conversational tone, as if I’m having a conversation with someone, it’s just not my style. I can’t write to solve other people’s problems much as I would like to. I don’t write to make money.
When I write on disability I write in the hope that my writing resonates with someone and gives them validation for their thoughts and feelings, or just lets them know they are not alone.
When I write about politics it’s in the hope that readers can gain something from my piece, again perhaps resonating with their thoughts or opinions, or confirming their opposition to it.
I can’t write sitting in a cafe simply because I can’t get out to one. There is no quiet space here at home because our house is small, I cannot go on a retreat (much as I would love to) without taking with me a lot of equipment and two carers! Not exactly a retreat then.
So, I make a plan everyday to set some time aside for writing. If I can’t do this I find myself and more often frustrated than anxious.
So, is making plans a good idea?
The more I’ve thought about this after reading stuff about writing every day or not writing every day, writing a plan or not writing a plan etc etc, the more I’ve realised that for me making plans to write is not the best thing. My life is unpredictable yet routine, my days are short.
My days go like this. My (wonderful) carers arrive at 9.30 a.m. by which time I have had my breakfast. They get me up into my chair in 30 minutes (I did say they are wonderful). So I start my day at 10. But then, two days a week I have nurses so my carers come at 11 and my day starts at 11.30. Every evening they come at 6 p.m. to get me back into bed.
During those hours I can write but then one of my daughters may appear for a coffee, or a friend arrives with a cake. My 5 year old grandson begs his Mummy to bring him round after school to play games with me on my iPad. These are things I love and enjoy and wouldn’t want to change.
This means that trying to plan my day is pointless. And, if I’m honest, I don’t want to do it because the unexpected things are what makes my life more fun, and if I don’t have anything planned, then I don’t get anxious and frustrated.
But. this is my life and the way I’ve chosen to deal with the everyday. This may not be right for everyone, every disability is different. For me, I think that a mix of making plans for some things like outings is necessary, of course it is (although even that doesn’t guarantee smooth running but that’s for a future post!), and not trying to make rigid plans for each day seems to work better. It means much less anxiety and frustration – that has to be better for my mental wellbeing.
If that means I can’t write every day then that’s fine. I always said it would be beyond me!