Disability issues

Hey! Why I’m Writing To You

I’m trying to start over

Photo: Aaron Burden on Unsplash

I know I haven’t been around for a while, nearly a year. And my poor blog has been languishing at the bottom of my to-do list. So I’m writing to you, my readers, if you’re still there!

During this hiatus, I’ve done a lot of thinking. I’ve jotted a lot of notes and thoughts down. The list is becoming endless.

I’ve looked at my writing, what little there is. It’s so boring and negative. I’ve been stuck in. In the house because of COVID. In my negative thoughts. In my wheelchair (nothing new there) and in my MS.

Failure pure and simple

My stats have tanked, my site is a mess. In short I’ve failed spectacularly as a blogger.

When I started out, in September 2019, I felt sure I could do it, that I would be good at it. I knew I could write. After all I had two degrees and I’d done a lot of writing. Writing would be easy right? Wrong.

My writing was/is stiff and academic, I was unable to break free. I realised that I didn’t know how to write for a blog.

I also plunged headlong into e mail marketing. Catastrophe! Epic fail.

Then I looked again at my blog, and all I had done was write the same thing in a number of different ways.

I was focusing on my disability, my chronic condition and self-care. There is so much written about these things that it’s becoming boring to write and boring to read. Would you want to read something so repetitive?

‘Niche’. This word fills me with dread. I don’t want to find my ‘niche’ . I’ve spent months searching for it but nothing I write hasn’t been written before, just with different words.

The truth is I haven’t found my tribe.

I like to craft an article for my blog, which takes time, and I have compromised that for the sake of visibility.

Another thing is that focusing on my MS has eroded my positivity and made me anxious and depressed.

The only way I can live with what’s happened to me, with life as I knew it taken away from me, is to stay positive, and to concentrate on the good things not dwelling on the bad.

Life happens

2020 was terrible year for everyone wherever you are in the world.

For us as a family it was the worst year ever.

In the summer we lost our grandson to cancer aged 7.

In autumn my husband, waiting for hip replacement, began to fall over, then he developed heart problems. Just before Christmas he was fitted with a pacemaker, and over Christmas he developed COVID-19. He was very poorly but luckily recovered without going back to hospital.

My blog inevitably became irrelevant to me. I had nothing to say. Nothing could be said. My anxiety spiked and the only writing I could do was to vent in my journal.

Motivation and ideas

What prompted me to start my blog in the first place? Well I felt I had so much to say about everything. I did not want to be defined by my disability.

I soon realised that of course it was going to feature because it is so much a part of my life. Well, it is my life.

But I didn’t want to focus on it completely. There are things happening in the world that I care about. Some related to disability and some not

Now I feel I have nothing to say. I have ideas but because of the self-imposed ‘niche’ they no longer seem to fit

So what comes next

I turned 67 last month. I have realised that, looking back over the years, the things I have done, I have many stories to tell. Yes, that inevitably means looking backwards. But at the good bits, the positive things and the lessons I learned along the way.

I could write all day long every day if I had the chance. I love writing. But would anybody read it? Who knows?

So I will do what I intended back in 2019, write what I feel when I feel it.

I’m leaving the ‘niche’ behind, I’m going to repurpose some of my early blog posts, maybe update my theme and start again.

Wish me luck and watch this space!

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