All Star Wars fans will recognise the famous Joda quote in the title. In 2004 fear took over my life. This is when the first symptoms of MS began, and I had no idea what was happening to me. I went from a fit, active person to someone who could only walk a short distance, had difficulty driving, could no longer type with both hands and so many other things. Almost overnight. The fear was intense, I suffered panic attacks, I cried a lot, lashed out at my husband and he at me. This was completely alien to me, we had been married for a long time and for the most part happily. Neither of us could understand why I kept falling over and had to rest for half an hour after my morning shower before I could get dressed!
I was afraid, paralysed by fear. This made my symptoms worse. By the time I was actually diagnosed (seven years later by a French neurologist!) I could no longer walk, write, feed myself. Since then I have had peritonitis, a urostomy, numerous hospital stays and visits, four wheelchairs, and most serious, sepsis with toxic shock which had me at death’s door.
Notwithstanding this, here I am. I’m not saying that I’m not anxious, I am a lot of the time. You never come to terms with having everything taken away, but you learn to live with it, and to enjoy the new life you find yourself living. I maintain my interests, reading, politics, food, I have taken online courses and learned (am still learning) to blog. Having MS in whatever form does not mean not having a meaningful life, just a different one.
One thing that is essential if you are reading this, don’t think this is all going to happen to you. It’s not. Every single case of MS is different. Whether you have yet to be diagnosed or have a diagnosis your feelings about it will be different.
If you are alone, afraid and depressed, all this may sound a bit smug. I don’t mean it to be, this is my story. It’s taken me 15 years to reach this point. Life is never simple Even without added complications such as illness, my life is a challenge every day. I won’t say the fear has completely gone, I don’t think it ever will, but I hope that anybody reading this will take something away from it that may help them.
If you are facing this alone, there are many supporters out there. Try https://www.ms-uk.org or https://ms.newlifeoutlook.com. Another useful site is the Sue Ryder charity which provides local Day Centres where you can undertake activities or just have coffee and cake! Find them at https://www.sueryder.org/