Busy times?

I seem to have been unreasonably busy the last few weeks, and yet when I think about it I’m not exactly sure why. Since I don’t really go out in February (or any cold time) I can hardly be said to be rushing about!! I have had a lot of visitors. Some have been MS related – occupational therapists, neurology nurses and the like – but I have had friends calling which is lovely. There are two reasons for this, my youngest daughter has given birth to a beautiful baby boy who is 3 weeks old today and I’m in love! This has involved some trips out to the hospital for example, and to her house, and we have looked after her now 4 year old (as of yesterday) a few times. So all my friends have wanted to know all about that, mostly because they have known Claire all her life. So instead of being Mums Inc. we are now all Grandmothers United!

But there is another reason. I also have a 6 year old grandson with cancer, specifically in his liver. He was rushed into hospital a day or two after his sixth birthday. He was critically ill and it was touch and go for a while but he came through. He was subsequently diagnosed with hepatoblastoma, a rare childhood cancer, which does not present symptoms until fairly advanced. He is stage 4. He has had chemo and is waiting for a transplant. My friends have known Adele for most of her life too. So they’ve rallied round as true friends always do. My daughter is now gaunt and distraught. The worst thing is because of being wheelchair bound I have not been able to get to see her or my grandson, I find this totally soul destroying. Anyway, last night I made the decision to get to her in whatever way I can. This has been an emotional rollercoaster for the whole family. We find it difficult to talk about so I thought I’d get it off my chest here. I send big love and thanks to my friends.

This could explain why I feel I’ve been unusually occupied. Life is a funny thing. We feel like we are living two lives, one joyful and the other heartbreaking. I find it difficult to reconcile the cruelty and kindness life gives us. I’m not sure either if that is in equal measure either. But I am ever hopeful that everything will be ok. Remaining positive, for me, is the only way to live with what cruelties life throws at us.

Sorry if this post seems self-indulgent.

Well I did say…..

I did say that I wouldn’t write every day and that there would be times when I wouldn’t be able to write at all. The last month has been just such a time. For some reason (?) I lost my mojo. I’ve been finding it really difficult to motivate myself, which I think must be a common problem amongst the disabled community. Sometimes I have so much energy it becomes like something is going to explode! When this happens I find that I withdraw into myself and I have no inclination to interact with anyone. Of course, this is impossible as I have carers twice every day and my grandchildren, friends who want to visit. So, this builds and builds making me more and more tired and depressed. The only way to try and break this cycle is to take to my bed. Just for one day. Where I can be warm and sleep when I want to. I did this yesterday and wow was it just the right thing to do. Today I feel 100 times better than I have for weeks. I upped the dose of my sleep meds last and had the best nights sleep.

So I’m writing today and the view from my wheelchair looks better today!

O my days!

I knew when I started this blog  back in May that I would struggle to keep it going regularly.  But now the summer holidays have passed and Autumn approaches I should have more time.  At the end of May we went home to our house in South-Western France for 6 weeks. We came back in time to see Hollie (our granddaughter on a soccer scholarship in the States) before she left to go back. After that a spell pin hospital with a chest infection having all sorts pumped into me, home for bed recovery.  Two weeks later a recurrence of a virus I have every year more than once which gives me bronchitis and more antibiotics! Add to that three weeks of cold turkey trying to wean myself off one of my meds to see if I could do without it – I couldn’t- only to have to go straight back on it!  So the Summer was not at all straightforward.

Now I feel ready to write again but where to start? Brexit? Boris Johnson? Donald Trump?  It’s actually all too much I’d be writing for hours and much of it would be boring and probably unacceptable.

What I will say is this; when did we stop doing politics in the way we are known for? In other words when did we forget what democracy in this country means? We had a referendum on whether we should leave the EU, the majority, however small, voted that we should.  4 years ago a in a referendum Scotland voted to stay in the union.  Yet, there are people from all sides in England and in Scotland making an almighty din calling for second votes.  I find it tedious in the extreme.  I’m also aghast at the behaviour of those in government, even those in the cabinet, making the Brexit negotiations so difficult for the PM and Dominic Raab as they are facing the EU from what looks like a position of horrible weakness.  A referendum is a democratic vote, therefore the result should be honoured as such. Those who are privileged to govern us should put up, shut up and get on with delivering the people’s decision.

Reflections

What a title – ‘reflections’?  Not exactly a draw-you-in type title is it? I’m useless at thinking  up titles anyway. Perhaps I should write first and title afterwards.  The thing is I wrote it because it was just what I was doing – reflecting.  Being confined to a wheelchair there is plenty of time to do it.  This morning we have sunshine at last so I can sit here in the kitchen with my coffee with the doors open and look out at my lovely garden (courtesy of the lady who lived here before us, none of our doing!). At the top of the hill in front of me is the local cemetery.  I can see a stone cross and various headstones. When we first moved here it spooked me, but now I regard it as a peaceful place. I have been persuaded by lots of my friends that that is what it is. So I’ve come round to the idea. My main thought this morning is I’m so glad I’m alive. Three years ago I was brought back from the brink of death by a fantastic group of doctors and nurses to whom I owe a debt of gratitude that is priceless beyond words.  Since then I’ve valued every second.  And I intend to go on as long as I can before I take the walk up the hill in front of me.

At the same time though, I know that there are many people in this world who do not have the opportunity to sit and reflect as I have done this morning. I’m aware of how much of a luxury it is.  I don’t feel guilty when I see a homeless person sleeping on a bench in my local town centre, that would be pointless.  What I do feel is just terribly inexorably sad.  I just want to give him a big hug.  But that would not help to get him off the street.

Is it alright not to feel guilty? It’s not my fault,  I think.  It may not be their fault either but a result of a chain of circumstances.  If it’s a systemic failure, which is my preferred option, then how can I, we, as individuals really contribute to solving this crisis.  I know this is endlessly debated, and many individuals do give their time and effort to try to change things.  I’m not saying anything new, only what came into my mind when I was ‘reflecting’.